“You Would Be So Much More Beautiful if You Were Skinnier”
The societal norm for the past two and a half decades that I have lived on this earth suffocated me with the notion that overall acceptance started with the size of my body. My intelligence and perspective meant almost nothing unless I fit the acceptable size that was molded into my brain from a young age. As a little girl, my mind was completely blown that I was classified as less of a person if I didn’t fit into the clothing that Aeropastle sold when I was eleven years old.
Growing up as the only overweight child in a family of over 15 cousins was intimidating. I was stuck with the momentum of “what if someone makes a comment about my weight to override my view on a subject”? Although my mother tried to build confidence in me from a young age by continuously stating how beautiful I was, I couldn’t help but think that I had a setback from my entire family due to my extra weight. As I appreciate my mother and brother for not adding negative thoughts about my weight, I definitely received comments from family, friends, and even random individuals on my size.
I could honestly say that I didn’t start receiving comments about my weight until I was about twelve years old. I was in seventh grade, and it was my aunts funeral. I was over my grandmothers house reminiscing on memories of my aunt where my godfather made a comment that would later impact my views on my body for the rest of my life. “You’re beautiful, but you would be so much more beautiful with you were skinnier”. It was a comment that came out of left field, and I started to cry. My godfather immediately apologized to my mother, but it was the start of a mentality that I was classified as less attractive than I thought I was according to my mother. Comments continued on from boys messaging me on Myspace telling me how fat and ugly I was, to my father coming to my room one day and saying “if you don’t stop eating, I am going to take you out running”.
A negative mindset of my body increased from that point on. High school consisted of boys not being interested in me as they were romantically interested in other girls that were skinnier than I was. My self-confidence was shattered, but I realized in my junior year of high school that I had to remove that negative mentality in order to improve the quality of my own life. I was 16 years old, and I created a Facebook post on my self-confidence journey, which involved me telling myself I was beautiful in the mirror as I focused on looking better for myself.
I followed body positivity blogs, and looked up to plus size models that made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I fluctuated with my weight constantly, losing 50 pounds in high school to then gaining 90 pounds throughout my undergraduate years in college. Throughout losing weight and experiencing being slimmer than usual, I realized that self confidence did not come from my size, but from my own mental health. I was losing weight and working out, but I was stressing on losing the extra pounds feeling that it would erase the hatred I had for myself.
As a 25 year old woman living in New York City, I have never claimed the word “fat”. My perspective on the word is that I am more than a substance. I am an individual. I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a scholar. I am goal-oriented, beautiful, and courageous. I represent the plus size community by stating that there is more to just being overweight. There is a life that I shall live to the fullest, and I have a purpose. I am just as beautiful than any other individual no matter what my size is.
I am not just “fat”.
Images source: Victoria Rivera
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If you received some vitamins with this piece (I sure did) be sure to check out Victoria’s podcast episode where she dives into a variety of topics including her struggles with body image.
